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My Imperfection

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[30 Jun 2008|10:44pm]

tearfromthared
I dont know its been a long day-emotionally for no reason in particular.
Except, with such a busy world I feel completely alone.
Worst of all, I crave affection, I feel like everyone has it but me.which is not true i know
also its so bad that I crave a relationship, even one thats possibly could end in heart ache, just to say I've had one and that I have had those feelings.
Whats hard though people dont think its that way is i have no coping mechanism in place, I dont do drugs, smoke anything, have sex, cut myself or contemplate suicide, its just nothing, no displacement.
during the day i practice fitting in at work, doing my job, angry at my job, hoping for a new one, trying to act excited but always thinking about when all the balls fall, when Ill get exposed for the screw up they expect me to be.
for now this is it,
I could post all day but Ive stayed up too late, waiting for a online person to return and throwing myself deeper into procrastinating my school work thats already late.
.cry.for.help.

what makes a slut? [21 Jan 2008|04:16pm]

kismekiki17

What makes a slut?

The ideal promiscuous beauty

Maybe the one who labels it

And thinks she can see right through me

Why is it always

Just girls who get the guy

Even if you’re the one

Who does everyone in sight

Now that just isn’t right

That word is always thrown around

Like a football so their tears

Represent the touch down

That poor girl didn’t do a thing

But all these jerks are lined up

Because you spread she was easy

So doesn’t that make you the whore

Maybe not with your body

But you’re counterfeit words

You just love to see them hurt

The girls with their 9-month bellies

Hidden under their shirt

So is that what makes a skank

Just cause it’s harder for her

To hide her mistakes

Yet you’re recent mistakes have made you a wreck

And she’s the one

Who’s protecting your rep

 

.cry.for.help.

THE THINGS I SAY VS. THE TRUTH [30 Dec 2007|05:43pm]

kismekiki17

 



 

I’m just an ordinary girl

I stand out like the sun

I think I’m beautiful

I fear just passing a mirror

I have plenty of friends

I feel so alone

I don’t believe in love

I felt it years ago

I’m ok being just friends

I want to be yours

I’m happy with my life

I hate where I ended up

He doesn’t mean a thing to me

He’s the reason I breathe

I really thought he loved me

Inside I knew it was a lie

I’m not afraid of death

I pray for everlasting life

You shouldn’t worry about me

I need help

I feel so alive

I’m fading away

I don’t miss you

Come back to me
.cry.for.help.

i'm not sure anymore [29 Nov 2007|06:24pm]

sarahhh_yeahx
Well, I'm not even sure why I bother going to high school, I think home schooling would be better.
You see, I'm the type of person who cares about what they think of me and work very hard to try and get people to change why they think of me and such. Its a bad habit. Although I hate to admit, it keeps me up at night, I analyze the things that have happened between me and certain people and I lose sleep over it, a lot. They haunt my subconscious, they eat away at me and its so hard for me to deal with, it feels like I have some sort of disease- a pathologeical need to fit in and be accepted.

I've never told anyone this before, But I am soo scared that I am going to fail life. The other fear besdies that one is the fear that I won't be accepted and that I'll end up living this depressing and pointless life and die alone with out anyone. I can blend in with many different groups of people from the "popular" to your average, normal, everyday high school kids. The problem is, I'm not outgoing enough to hang out with them in their big groups. Then for some reason, I automatically start picking out bad things about them, because its their good things I notice about them first. Its rude and degrading, but I still do it, hoping there are more bad then good in attempts to make me feel better.

If they treat me weird or like act cryptic and set some double standard, its going to keep me awake at night, tossing and turning because its just something I care about THAT much. And that's the one thing I hate most.

I can honestly say that I absolutely, 100% HATE my personality-- not like it a little bit, but completely hate. I try to change for people in hopes to impress them, and I know I'm shallow and I just want to change. Its just hard going to high school and being surrounded by all of that because eventually it builds up, seeing as I tell no one (with the exception of right now) so I end up with an emotional breakdown and cannot attend school.

I find myself envious of how people are so close with people, especially considering they only met per say, 2 weeks ago. I envy them because I wish I was just one of those people. I've posted to this community in hopes that I can find support or comfort with this sort of thing, and I  just hope someone can sympathize. I've tried telling my friends how I feel, but they usually make it worse or just think that I shouldn't be like that-- the fact is I KNOW I shouldn't be like that, I want to change, but they just don't get it.

I fish for compliments, another bad habit. If you think about it though, who doesn't love being complimented? It really boosts your self esteem and can put a smile on your face. That's why I get offended so easily most of the time when you say something like "aww you're so sweet, thin etc." and they don't say anything like that back to you. I know, I'm bad but its just so bad and I really want to change.

I posted here because I thought that people will not say things like " you need to grow up and stop caring so much, or you can't change what people think about you." I know that- I came her for support, advice, and encouragement.

People often say the first step is admitting you have a problem :
I have a problem, I'm shallow, and I want to change.
At least I can say that truthfully.


Sarahhh
xx
 





3.reaching.out. .cry.for.help.

[27 Nov 2007|08:24pm]

sarahhh_yeahx
I'm sick and tired of being treated badly. I give people waaaaaay too many chances, and always give them the benefit of the doubt. I keep thinking things will get better, but obviously they aren't. Every chance they get, people stab me in the back, forget about me and just think I don't have feelings. I hate all these double standards and cryptic relationships.

I have no idea why, but all of my friends suddenly seem so, clueless.

a) they think they have me figured out, so they know everything that is going on in my life, and they don't feel the need to sympathize but rather add to the problem. fact : i don't even have myself figured out, so how the fuck could you you have ME figured out?
b) you little skanky poser bitch that comes wheedling your way into my life. you cause un-necessary drama, and when i go to fix it, you jump right to blaming ME for stuff that you started. I tried to be nice considering we're around each other an awful lot ( like literally awful ) but you just keep causing problems. I wish you would switch schools- you're not jesus christ and NO ONE likes you.
c)  hypocritical, narcissistic, pessimistic friends- you people are supposed to be my FRIENDS. I love how I'm supposed to believe in you, and jump to your aide when you go fishing for compliments. I love how you are so damn hypocritical, I could kill myself. I'm sick of it.

I look to my friends to support me, but rather you do the opposite. I'm at a peak in my life and it is already hard for me to cope-- adding your little high school drama just adds to the emotional stress. You people are the reason I don't have expectations anymore. You people are the reason that I have emotional break-downs. You people are the reason I give up on myself so much. You people are the reason I'm so hard on myself, I feel like I have to compete with you.

You people are also the reason I keep on living.
And I don't know what to say anymore.

I like you, but I don't. 

1.reaching.out. .cry.for.help.

[27 Nov 2007|08:05pm]

sarahhh_yeahx
 I'm sick and tired of being treated badly. I give people waaaaaay too many chances, and always give them the benefit of the doubt. I keep thinking things will get better, but obviously they aren't. Every chance they get, people stab me in the back, forget about me and just think I don't have feelings. I hate all these double standards and cryptic relationships.

I have no idea why, but all of my friends suddenly seem so, clueless.

a) they think they have me figured out, so they know everything that is going on in my life, and they don't feel the need to sympathize but rather add to the problem. fact : i don't even have myself figured out, so how the fuck could you you have ME figured out?
b) you little skanky poser bitch that comes wheedling your way into my life. you cause un-necessary drama, and when i go to fix it, you jump right to blaming ME for stuff that you started. I tried to be nice considering we're around each other an awful lot ( like literally awful ) but you just keep causing problems. I wish you would switch schools- you're not jesus christ and NO ONE likes you.
c)  hypocritical, narcissistic, pessimistic friends- you people are supposed to be my FRIENDS. I love how I'm supposed to believe in you, and jump to your aide when you go fishing for compliments. I love how you are so damn hypocritical, I could kill myself. I'm sick of it.

I look to my friends to support me, but rather you do the opposite. I'm at a peak in my life and it is already hard for me to cope-- adding your little high school drama just adds to the emotional stress. You people are the reason I don't have expectations anymore. You people are the reason that I have emotional break-downs. You people are the reason I give up on myself so much. You people are the reason I'm so hard on myself, I feel like I have to compete with you.

You people are also the reason I keep on living.
And I don't know what to say anymore.

I like you, but I don't.
 

.cry.for.help.

Background Image: Please help. [07 Oct 2006|07:31pm]

addicts_empathy
Since boomspeed decided to change their site to a paying account ending my membership without notice for me to transfer my images I don't have access to the previous background. I also can't seem to find the previous background on my computer at the moment. I was wondering if anyone would be interested in making one for this community to fit the layout. Theres really no rules to it as long as it isn't anything that would make others offended. I'd like to have the community name somewhere on it. But yeah, I'm not picky about it. I suppose for those if you that are actually interested in helping out the community you can just post a link or the image in a comment to this post. I will upload it onto one of my sites so that I won't need to direct link from you (incase that might be an issue). Thanks to all those that do consider helping out.
.cry.for.help.

bulimia [27 Sep 2006|07:43pm]

hurtmeloveme
I need help. I know I am not supposed to ask for this kind of help... but I will anyway.
I binge then purge. I feel like I'm not getting everything out of my system. is there something I should do before I eat to prepare my body... and to make the purge easier?

thanks for any advice.
1.reaching.out. .cry.for.help.

Attention Seeking Whore [27 Sep 2006|07:57am]

hurtmeloveme
She asked me out of the blue what kind of attention I sought. I was stunned and had no idea how to answer. I never gave it any thought.
Tonight I found out exactly what kind...

I love seeing bruises and blood that other people have drawn from me... it makes me feel they have treated me the way I deserve to be treated...

I fucked up tonight though. I fucked up really badly... I used one person, a person who I know loves me and who I know does not think I am worthless... I used that person to watch me hurt myself.

goddamn me.
fuck me. god, I feel so so terrible. I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I am so so so sorry.
I didn't realize what I did, the reason I did it, until I was lying in bed afterwards...
and it hit me.

I had just used one of the most important people in my world... and hurt this person in the process.
It clicked. I need an audience.

I can't harm myself alone because what does it matter if I feel worthless? Clearly my opinion of myself does not matter to me because I do not value myself... someone else has to be there and has to agree with me.

validation. I need some validation and affirmation of my worthlessness.
I am sorry. I will never ever ever intentionally hurt myself in front of someone I love. It's selfish, it's wrong. I'm sorry.
I am so so so so goddamned sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I thought it was no big deal. I thought I was just experiencing what you and another exceptionally important person in my life have experienced.
I guess it kind of was... just in a much more selfish way... a way which not only affected me, but also hurt you.
I never mean to hurt you. I didn't realize. I am sorry.

I almost wrote "I will never ask someone who loves me to hurt me ever again."
but baby steps...
suffice to say I will never intentionally hurt myself in front of someone I love.

Only two people will know of this... me and the one I hurt.
I'm so sorry.
1.reaching.out. .cry.for.help.

Community [08 Aug 2006|01:06am]

flamegirl_kitty
[ mood | accomplished ]

While reading this community, I noticed that there are many loving and caring people who have been hurt badly in so many different ways. There are many ways that help is available, and I'm hoping that my community can ease some of your demons.

It doesn't say in the userinfo page that I cannot do this, so here I go and I am terribly sorry if this offends anyone. And if it does, the mod can delete this entry immediately.

I created a community a while ago called attemptfailed
: for people who have attempted suicide. It is not a pro- suicide community, but it is one for people to tell their story, get advice, find people to relate to, etc. There is much more about it in the userinfo page, but I thought I'd give a little introduction to the community in case anyone out there is interested.

Take care everyone.

2.reaching.out. .cry.for.help.

[28 Jul 2006|03:07am]

human_reaction


I often feel like i'm behind.

Kids these days... They have so much fun. They're living a college life before they even turn 16.
Drinking, Fucking, getting High, Dating, Dumping, Drama-ing.

Somedays I feel ahead of the crowd. And other day's I feel like a child because i havent doen the same stupid shit they have.

I never know whether to be proud of myself or not for anything
1.reaching.out. .cry.for.help.

[28 May 2006|09:18am]

poeticxinsomnia
I was cleaning my closet and I found what I used to cut with. And I remember that I used that to cut with because it was the only thing that would cut my skin and make me bleed. It made me want to cut again. So I texted Louis. and he told me to throw it away in the outside trash. It was hard. But I did. now I have nothing to cut with since I can't find my exacto knife which doesnt cut me that well. I already screwed up this month. But from this month forward. I am going to try not to cut. It's really hard for me to stop. And everytime I try, I can't get past 3 months. Except for earlier this year, I got up to 5 months then screwed that up in february. So..Let's see if I can pass the five months and go longer. It made me feel wierd after I threw the compass(the thing you use to draw circles in math) away. it made me feel kind of empty. Louis said it was because it was a part of my lifestyle that I was getting rid of..but a bad part of my lifestyle and that I did the right thing. I guess he is right...I mean, I have been cutting since the 6th grade and since school is out, I am no offically a senior in highschool. I've been cutting for that long....
but ya..
it'll be really hard to stop. I don't know if I can do it. I can atleast try right??
1.reaching.out. .cry.for.help.

[25 May 2006|11:04am]

aznfreekr21
I have a community, also, who is there to help you.  I want people to join who have issues.  Whether it be drugs, relationships, sex, it doesn't matter.  I want this to be a support group.

Just click my information and find life_issues and just join.  I like helping people who have issues and who need to know that there are other people who are and have gone through the same things you have.
.cry.for.help.

[14 Apr 2006|10:45pm]

anas_a_starfish
[ mood | frustrated ]

I'm having an 'I hate myself and I want to die' week... as every day fails to become the first day of the rest of my life, as that old saying goes.

I weighed myself this morning... 70kg!
What The Fuck!
I look and feel morbidly obese!!!!!!!
And i cannot stop hurting myself.... I'm in this horrible downward spiral

MUST START RESTRICTING!!!

Anyway... I could really use some friends at the moment who understand the hell i'm going through... so feel free to add me and just chat!

Anna

.cry.for.help.

[16 Dec 2005|02:16am]

_love_my_ana_
Read more...Collapse )
.cry.for.help.

[25 Nov 2005|11:15pm]

xhatetofeelx
[ mood | cold ]

So I fucked up again. Which is no surprise.

I was recently in a very bad car accident, which I'm lucky to even be alive. [And not one single person fails to remind me of that] I don't remember much of the accident, but I'm really shaken from it still. The stress from it is enormous, because my parents don't get along-and this doesn't help. And now, apparently, I'm not a trustworthy kid. Which is ridiculous. Because I don't do anything bad. Seriously. I'm that lame. I'm straight edge and I get good grades, so wtf, right? but i guess it comes down to that i'm just a silly teenager who doesn't know what the hell she's doing.

so i cut again. after....i don't even remember the last time i did this. a month maybe. the habit comes and goes. it's bad this time. my wrist is a mess. and it really really hurts right now. this is the first time i've ever had suicidal thoughts. and i'm afraid i'll actually act on them. I hope to god I don't.

I really need something to relax me. Music is everything to me, but it hasn't been helping. And I'm almost scared to reach out to those close to me. It's not that they don't care, it's either they're too far away or are too wrapped up in their own lives to realize I'm killing myself over all the stress.
I'm also pretty scared to talk to my mom about this, even though we're close, well, we get along well anyway, she doesn't really know me. If that makes sense. I'm not sure if anyone knows me. I don't even know myself. I need help, I've been depressed since who knows when and everyone is noticing a change in me.

I'd love some advice.

.cry.for.help.

[16 Nov 2005|08:08pm]

everybutterfly
[ mood | numb ]

My name is Amanda, I'm 14 and I'm a freshman ( I won't be 15 until the end of the summer next year ).
I live in total confusion.
Until about a year ago, I knew who I was. I knew what 'clique' I belonged to, what others thought of me, how I thought of myself, who I wanted to be.
I knew every aspect of myself.
Then I met a guy that changed all that.
He was so similiar to me, and the more I got to know him, the more I changed.

I don't have a close group of friends that I hang out with. I have 1 really good friend since I've known since 5th grade-she goes to a different school.
I feel like I have everything in myself to become whatever I want to. I could turn myself into whatever I needed to be within a week. I could be 'popular', I could be 'goth', I could be a 'book-nerd'.
Imagine going on a 10 mile hike with a back-pack that's way overpacked. You have everything you need to get by, and you also have some luxury items, and then you have all this stuff that there's only a 1 in 100 chance that you're going to use.
I feel like that every day.
People have told me that I need to just let it all go, and be myself.
But I have so much stuff that I don't know what I started out with.
I don't know what I need to keep, or what I want to keep. I don't know how to use what I have, but I feel like I may some day.

I have friends, but I'm not close to them. Normally I'm a pillar for other people, but I feel like I'm starting to crack.
Recently, something happened that bothered me a lot, and people were there to comfort me, but it was a hug and a, 'you'll get through it', once, for a moment or two, and no longer.
The girl that sits next to me in choir... I almost never talk to her, and yet she knew I had been having a bad week better than my friends had.
Not to say that they don't care... It's just that they're so busy, and I'm just not a top-of-the-list, run right over to help you friend.

I also have a darkness... Everyone has one, but I feel like mine makes itself so pronounced sometimes.
I can sit and argue with someone, it can be my best friend, and I'm so amused by their anger. I start out angry, but eventually something in me snaps and I withdraw, leaving this person that doesn't care; isn't attached. Someone who's out to prod at all your flaws, to make others laugh at you, to damage you as much as possible.
I feel like I could kill someone without feeling any real regret. I feel like I could kill someone, and enjoy it.
I know that I could move away right now, completely start over in a new country even. Never speak to anyone I know now again. Though my life isn't bad, but I wouldn't miss it. I would just start over.

I stopped cussing, and I almost never allow myself to get angry, and I guess it helps a little, but I still feel it all.
It's all still there.

I write, I draw, I live, and occassionally I hope.
But mostly, I hide from myself in the lives on others. I hide from myself, from others, in books. Any kind, so long as I can't think while I'm reading it.

.cry.for.help.

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