My name is Amanda, I'm 14 and I'm a freshman ( I won't be 15 until the end of the summer next year ).
I live in total confusion.
Until about a year ago, I knew who I was. I knew what 'clique' I belonged to, what others thought of me, how I thought of myself, who I wanted to be.
I knew every aspect of myself.
Then I met a guy that changed all that.
He was so similiar to me, and the more I got to know him, the more I changed.
I don't have a close group of friends that I hang out with. I have 1 really good friend since I've known since 5th grade-she goes to a different school.
I feel like I have everything in myself to become whatever I want to. I could turn myself into whatever I needed to be within a week. I could be 'popular', I could be 'goth', I could be a 'book-nerd'.
Imagine going on a 10 mile hike with a back-pack that's way overpacked. You have everything you need to get by, and you also have some luxury items, and then you have all this stuff that there's only a 1 in 100 chance that you're going to use.
I feel like that every day.
People have told me that I need to just let it all go, and be myself.
But I have so much stuff that I don't know what I started out with.
I don't know what I need to keep, or what I want to keep. I don't know how to use what I have, but I feel like I may some day.
I have friends, but I'm not close to them. Normally I'm a pillar for other people, but I feel like I'm starting to crack.
Recently, something happened that bothered me a lot, and people were there to comfort me, but it was a hug and a, 'you'll get through it', once, for a moment or two, and no longer.
The girl that sits next to me in choir... I almost never talk to her, and yet she knew I had been having a bad week better than my friends had.
Not to say that they don't care... It's just that they're so busy, and I'm just not a top-of-the-list, run right over to help you friend.
I also have a darkness... Everyone has one, but I feel like mine makes itself so pronounced sometimes.
I can sit and argue with someone, it can be my best friend, and I'm so amused by their anger. I start out angry, but eventually something in me snaps and I withdraw, leaving this person that doesn't care; isn't attached. Someone who's out to prod at all your flaws, to make others laugh at you, to damage you as much as possible.
I feel like I could kill someone without feeling any real regret. I feel like I could kill someone, and enjoy it.
I know that I could move away right now, completely start over in a new country even. Never speak to anyone I know now again. Though my life isn't bad, but I wouldn't miss it. I would just start over.
I stopped cussing, and I almost never allow myself to get angry, and I guess it helps a little, but I still feel it all.
It's all still there.
I write, I draw, I live, and occassionally I hope.
But mostly, I hide from myself in the lives on others. I hide from myself, from others, in books. Any kind, so long as I can't think while I'm reading it.